My life, My story, My happy ending?

i love my life right now.

sometimes…. i just think about you….

sometimes i just miss the way you used to say my name

I’m going to find you…. promise.

If there is ever a time where we aren’t together, which is highly probably due to the paths that we choose to take. I’m going to find you (not in a creepy way), I promise. Because you are such an important part of my life and if the only reason that we ever were split apart was due to our future paths going in different directions… well… then i’m going to find a way to make them cross again. becuase i feel it. I know that we are meant to be in each others lives in some sort of way. You understand me and irritate me in so many ways that i can’t help but laugh. There will always be me and you in my mind. And so I promise that I will find you if we ever separate. because you are worth it. <3

the future. MY future.

I can’t wait for my college life to begin. To get away from all the highschool bullshit, lazyness, and feeling like there is no more point in going to school. I’m ready to leave my family behind and just start something new. Start making some money. Start being respoinsible for my own actions. Start doing things that I want to do without any heasitaion of what other people will think. I don’t know what the future holds for me… it’s going to be challenging, but I hope I totally rock the journey.

I’m scared though. Of the things I will lose when everything changes. Friends,my boyfriend, familiar places, familiar faces,  the mindset of being taken care of by someone else . What happens to all of that? it all fades away… I know that I want to keep those ties, but I don’t think it will actually stay. if it’s not meant to be… then it’s not meant to be right? The future is coming… always right ahead of where I am.

content.

I’m so happy right now it’s not even real. I want it to be like this forever. Love him.

… something bad is definitely going to happen now….

Justin

Ohhh how i love him!!! :) :) :) I know his password for life and he knows my password for tumblr… HE IS FUCKING AWESOME

not even seeing….

I feel like I’m one of those stupid girls that can’t see how horrible this situation is. And then I get a realization and I can see myself as that stupid girl… and then I go on and do those stupid girl things. What am I doing to myself? Why am I doing this to myself. It’s not that I’m not happy… its just that there are moments when I want to cry so hard becuase it hurts that this is happening to me. I don’t cry of course… because I’m not really seeing this happen to me ( or I ignore it). I’m too in love. I’m being hurt without even knowing it. I feel like its never enough. he’s one of those guys that says what he means at times. But in some moments… he says things that you can’t imagine him even saying or doing. but what if that’s the truth too? What if it’s how he really feels? I know its how he feels… but then the next day its over and he says something different. Which one is the truth? Why am I the stupid girl that is being treated so badly at times that its not worth it. It’s definitely not worth being treated this way. Even if this is only short moments. Its almost every other day now. Being put in a position of choosing between myself and him.

I’m sometimes in the mindset that I will do whatever makes him happy. I did that once. I wanted it a little too. But not as much. Not as badly. and everytime I give him a little more of who I am (or was now…) I lose that part of me… I miss that part of me… and now there are more expectations. more things to worry about. more chances of getting hurt. The sad thing is that i’m not naive to this situation. I see it. I really see myself being so stupid. and i fall right into it. I knowingly fall into this stupid hole becuase I only think of those good times. I think that it will get better. It won’t. not on my part at least. I love him so much that I don’t have the strength to let him go. One day I’ll catch up to his mindset. hopefully. We’ll be on the same wavelength. I think that statement right there is exactly why i’m staying. I think it will get better. I so badly HOPE it will get better. It’s so hard now. It’s so. so. so. hard when we go through those types of situations every other day. but then it gets all better. he loves me again. he adores me. he treats me so so so well. and i love him. its those short moments tho. where he would just throw me away. push me to a point that I can’t take anymore. and just shove me aside becuase he just can’t take it anymore. I can see it in his eyes. and so when i need to leave just to get away from him becuase I see myself being put in that situation… i walk away and he follows me… gives me this look. serious. and I hate him so much for doing that. andthen as I am walking away. he expects a hug. expects a kiss. thinking that it will all be better this way. and he knows. he knows that the hug and kiss is something that is needed. something that gave me and him this sort of closure. so we wouldn’t go crazy thinking about everything that has happened becuase it just means that he still loves me and cares about me. and i feel a little at peace. and then i just reflect rather than hating him for everything that just happened. I just reflect. and so i wrote this post. a great reflection of the stupid girl I am.